Tuesday 24th - Useless

I feel so useless at the moment. Frustrated, upset, scared, sad. I wish I could do more to work and contribute to the income situation. This week's going to be a busy week and L has already stressed how important it is for him to be back at work and working as much as he can, so I'm going to do it on my own. It will be the first time I've been to the hospital on my own and I'm not looking forward to it. He also said that he won't be able to come to every chemotherapy appointment because he'll have to work. Surely one day (and a Friday at that) every three weeks is manageable? I don't know if I'll be able to do it on my own but hopefully it will become 'routine'...? I guess we'll see.

I've been crying on and off non-stop since we got home from the hospital on Monday evening. I guess it's finally sinking in and I'm scared about the unknown. I also wish L wouldn't panic so much about money. It's going to be tough and we'll have to budget but surely he can start making his lunches or something? I know that I'm not contributing financially, but I can't, so stop panicking about it, suck it up and say yes it's difficult but don't worry, we can get through it. Instead, I feel like I'm purposefully holding back and perceived to be not working because I don't feel up to it. Perhaps he's just panicking about the responsibility he has to take on. I do feel like a burden at times. Holding him back from buying his dream home because we've only got one income. Bloody useless.