Monday 2nd - Grrr

I'm getting my days mixed up. Today is Monday and I keep thinking it's Tuesday.

I finally buckled and scrubbed the bathroom from top to toe today. I couldn't stand it any more. It was on my to-do list of cleaning tasks before I went in to hospital on Friday but although I vacuumed and dusted the house and cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom I just didn't get to. It was promised it would be done on Friday/Saturday when I was in hospital but I just had this feeling...

Anyway, seeing as I am feeling like shit, I got sick of living in shit so while L played his xbox game, I got down and dirty. It was so disgusting and it smelt baaaad. Well, it was a week overdue for its weekly clean. I'd had a sleep this afternoon anyways. And six solid hours during the night was good. Then I went outside and scrubbed the disgusting maggot-ridden rubbish bin which had been sitting outside for several days, waiting for the ants to eat the maggots. Well, the ants had finished with the tasty bits a few days ago and left the sticky egg-shells, so I worked hard at getting those off with disinfectant and then jif. The bin, the bucket and the lid. All done now though and it feels soooo much better to be in a semi-clean house when you're sick and feeling yucky yourself. L came in to help with the bathroom, and he had mad an effort to start cleaning it the other day but had stopped when I complained about the nasty chlorine smell of the new superpoerful spray he'd bought. I don't know what was srong with jif and a bit of elbow grease, but there you go. Oh I am sooo tired now.

He also had a go about not getting enough support from Dad and D. Well, I feel absolutely fine about the emails and gmail chats and phone calls I get form them. It's probably more than what we would normally do, depending on how busy we are. I do usually chat to Mum more on skype anyways, cancer or not. So L was comparing how much Mum makes contact with how much Dad makes contact - something which had never entered into my head as it wasn't something I had even thought about or had an issue with. But it must have been noted by him and he has an issue with it. We're not the kind of family which lives in each other's back pockets though, and because there are fewer of us, it probably feels like we make contact less often. He often asks whether (my) family members have made contact and asks why they have or haven't. He's also questioned (twice in two days) why my parents haven't sent me any flowers. What the ?!?!!?! As much as it's nice to receive flowers, I'd much rather they (parents) spent money on phone calls! Flowers are the last thing I'd expect from them at all. The only flowers from family members I have received are from ones who are living overseas, which was lovely but certainly doesn't. And who is he to question how other people choose to support me? I didn't take to well to him criticising my family's actions at all. If I don't have a problem with it, why raise the issue? I have asked him to think carefully about some things he says before he says them because although they may relate to me, they may not be things I am ready to discuss at the time or things which may unnecessarily upset me. I wonder if he's talked to the cancer council people yet? He was very supportinve and good the other day when I was having a mini-break-down. Seriously though, I think I've been coping relatively well so far. I'm a bit worried about when the hormones kick in for the next lot of IVF drugs though. Then I'm going to be like I'm prementstrual for 14 days straight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I've decided to stop asking for help. He doesn't pre-empt it a lot of the time and I am sick of asking because I feel like I'm nagging or pointing out his inabilities/shortcomings. He already had a go at me earlier telling me that obviously his best wasn't good enough for me. I told him to pull his head out of his arsehole.

Come to think about it, with the Dad thing. He was quite mad at his own dad for not ringing for a long time. His Dad finally rang a couple of days ago. So now maybe he's passed that feeling on. I have a feeling he was hoping this was going to be a bondng exercise between him (Mike) and my Dad. Well, there is plenty of time for that yet! Perhaps he wants thanks for looking after me too. God, I feel like a commodoty. He was saying he would like finaincial help from (all of) our parents. I don't expect that nor want that. The government is helping us out a LOT in that field. The only thing which costs at all is the IVF. I feel guilty that I don't have savings to help with the day-to-day stuff. It's true that L is going to have to work and do housework... at the same time... heaven forbid. But in all honesty, he's done less housework in the last few days than I'd do on a regular weekend. We haven't had to cook a single meal since I got back form hospital, and even tonight our neighbour is coming over to bring us our evening meal. He's done one lot of grocery shopping. He hasn't done any housework except dishes (yes, there have been a few more cups because of visitors), and has done only 2 loads of washing (I did 3 loads before I went in to hospital to help keep on top of things). So he really has nothing to complain about in the housework world! I'm going to have a shower now. I hate being so fucking dependent - I hope I can undress on my own.