Sunday 22nd - Hard

Today was a hard day. I thought I was more on top of things, but the frustration/sadness/anger/worry got the better of me today. It started out as what should have been a great morning. We'd arranged to meet an old friend and his family for brunch at Portside Wharf. Then later, some more friends were coming to our house to visit us, and later still, a plan to go to Tropfest with our neighbour, J. A busy, but happily distracting day.

It went pear-shaped about 5 minutes before we were due to depart for Portside. L said something which he later admitted 'came out of his mouth wrong', but it left me feeling stunned, shocked, and saddened. I knew something like this was brewing, but I didn't expect it to hit so hard.

One of the reasons I was sad to see Mum leave on Saturday afternoon was that I knew we wouldn't be on our 'best behaviour' any more - what I mean is what we say to each other would be less controlled or thought through before it was spoken. I acknowledge that Mike has every right to be angry with the situation, and feel impotent with the frustration of not being able to do anything about it, but sometimes I worry that I'm going to be supporting him through this, not the other way around. He said something which really upset me, and he knows it really upsets me when he says it (which he does from time to time, usually when drinking).

I think when he gets angry he says hurtful/spiteful things, not realising that the other person might actually take him seriously. He dragged up an underlying dagger and teased me with it, which he later denied is the way he feels but sure knows how to cut at the time he says it. So it ended in tears for me of course, but trying to pull myself together before going to meet our friends. It must have been obvious that I'd been crying, but fortunately no-one asked about it because if they had, I don't think I would have been able to hold it in! Perhaps the drugs I'm on for the IVF are making me oversensitive, but I don't think so. I think it's just a stressful time.

I hate even having to get to the edge of thinking 'it's not my fault' and 'I'm not to blame', 'I didn't ask for this' because I know they are not even remotely connected to the situation. There is no 'fault', no 'blame', no 'ask'. But I hate even more having to say these things to justify why I'm not going to be working full time and why I might need some extra support (financial and moral) for the foreseeable future, and why someone else has to step up to help me through this. It shouldn't even be questioned. The world is not against me/us. There is nothing holding us back or stopping us from achieving what we want. There is no big black cloud hovering over us. There is no external factor working against us just when we thought things were going to plan. Shit happens. That is all.

In the end, we had a lovely lunch with our friends, and my brother too. L is probably sick of me telling people about the cancer situation by now. It's not something I'm proud of, and to tell the truth I'm worried about what the next stage will hold. In some ways I guess it's kind of selfish because it takes over the conversation for a bit. I become the 'star attraction'. But goodness knows I'd rather not be. It's just something that's pretty big and happening right now, and I want my friends to know about it and to feel free to talk about it.

I asked him to please make an effort to call the Cancer Council Hotline for a chat about irrational fears, worries, anger, etc when I went out later on that evening. He elected to stay home for that reason, and to have some time out to himself. Absolutely fair enough. I had a sneaky suspicion that he wouldn't call them... I really wish he would. Not just for the chat, but also for the confidentiality of the said chat. Instead, he spoke to his little sister about how he feels. It's great that they have this close bond, but I have to admit that was worried about confidentiality in that case. However, I've since thought about it and decided that confidentiality has gone out the window a bit hasn't it. As I write a blog.

We had a lovely visit from some of our friends from my work in the early afternoon. It was nice to have a good old catch up. Sometimes I wonder if I talk about the cancer too much. I guess that it's top thing in my head right now, and I found that almost every topic we talked about could have some kind of link to it. But hopefully I resisted saying a few things as I wanted to have a normal conversation too. I think it's important not to let it dominate everything, but it's hard not for it to, because it's such a big thing. I don't to bore people with it, but I'm also happy to discuss it if people have any questions. I guess it's a matter of finding that balance.

This evening I went with J and her housemate to a free outdoor showing of 16 short films. It was great to get away, both physically and mentally. We had a nice picnic and enjoyed the films immensely, adding our own comments and doing our own judging. Got home about half an hour ago. Still feel emotionally exhausted so I think I'll sleep well tonight.